And when it rains,
everyone blames it on their own bad luck.
One hundred people standing alone,
drenched in their ways

I was a schoolyard rat
I wanted nothing more
than just an inkling of what everyone else possessed,
but I was shooed away.
Socially exterminated.

There is much
to be said
about
minimalism

The night continues to greet me like an old friend in a coffee shop.

"Hello Tucker, what are you doing here?" he asks me every evening

I always reply the same.

"I'm always here"

"So am I,

I just get drowned out by the sun in your eyes.

I am destined to be a shadow cast in the glory of the light, but I will never leave."

We have this in common.

Full Circle

Today I saw a man in a wheelchair struggling to push himself up a ramp.
The "handicap accessible ramp" seemed to be doing a poor job of fulfilling it's purpose.
I wanted to walk up to him, whisper gently into his ear.
"I got you, old friend. Please don't worry".

But I couldn't.
What if he was bitter, jaded, uninterested in my assistance?
What if he said "fuck off, kid. I don't need you or your stinking help"

I was too afraid to risk it. I kept walking. The thought of an unkind world making a old, crippled man angry scared me. As I walked on by, I became a member of that unkindness.

Maybe I was the straw that broke the camel's back. What if I made this man unkind by not stopping? My own fear became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

A regular citizen of the unkind world.

Do you ever walk into a room and immediately get a feel as to how your night is going to end? For example, when you walk into a house hosting a party and you say to yourself, "I am going to have some fun tonight". The room Nathan Hacker was about to walk into certainly did not feel like a party. The room Nathan Hacker was about to enter was a hospital room, with bare walls, a sick patient, and absolutely nothing that resembles a party setting.

You deserve better than this.
Your home life is formulated by
bellowed shouts through an open door
and a disagreement waiting to happen.

You don't know what I'd give to leave,
but I dread the thought of leaving you alone.
I'm not afraid of what you'd do, but rather,
what you wouldn't do.

Security is the cliff edge you stand on.
Happiness is the free fall that beckons you.

You know how I can tell I was raised in a cruel world? I thought the attacks on the world trade center buildings were normal. I vividly remember saying to myself, "Why would we get out of school for that? This happens all the time". I actually gave a classmate a high-five as we climbed onto the school bus. I could see the sense of fear in every adult's eyes, but didn't take into consideration why they were scared. This was life, they should be used to it by now.

It wasn't until I walked in the door to my house and saw my mother with her hand cupped over her mouth that I understood the severity of the situation. There were tears sliding down her cheeks. It doesn't take much to make her cry, but I always felt the same when she did. I felt like I'd let her down, whether I was the cause of the tears or not. I knew it was serious when I saw my mother crying over the deaths of all these strangers. She had always been cynical, learned not to expect the best from people. She would just let karma sort everyone out. I cried with her.

My branches are bare;
I have nothing to hide. 
I’ve been picked clean,
To the bone,
I am a skeleton of what I once was.
We could sit in the dark and you’d see all I am and have to offer
Everything goes unreciprocated; 
L’appel du vide.

La douleur exquise.

I’m sick of being afraid.

WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING

Today is the day that I finally admit to myself that I am a dog person. I’ve spent nearly my entire existence under the impression that cats are the superior animal, because my mom had always had felines circulating throughout our household. From the time I was born up until the present moment, we have always had at least three or more cats. However, upon my return home last week, I met our new dogs, Ruby and Dyna. I love them. They are goofy and playful and there for me when I need them, all the things I look for in a good friend. That’s what humans look for in pets, right? My dogs take nothing for granted, they are happy when I feed them, happy when I play with them, hell, they’re happy just to see me. It’s nice to have that feeling.

My mother always liked cats being they were independent, strong, and seemingly very intelligent. What good are those qualities though? 99% of the cats we’ve had were standoffish, almost rude in a way. I’ll take the gratitude and friendship that these dogs provide. They’re what I need in a friend.

There is one memory that stands out very specifically. We were in the art museum, and you showed me a painting of a bowl of fruit. “See how perfect it looks?”, you asked me. I nodded my head. “Yet it isn’t perfect at all”. You proceeded to show me all of the imperfections with the painting, the poor shadowing, sizing, and other small things I didn’t notice, and wouldn’t have noticed had you not pointed them out. I nodded my head again. In a way I think you were talking about yourself. It’s strange how one’s problems can be so easily hidden in plain view, yet we remain clueless until they’re pointed out to us, when they become obvious and impossible to ignore. 

DRUNKEN RANT

What if nothing matters? What if every attempt I make to be a good person is futile? Should I just give it up and look out for myself? I’ve tried my hardest in recent months to put others first and stop being so selfish, but what does it matter? What if there isn’t a “bigger picture” where everyone comes together and everything makes sense? Should I stop being selfless?

I don’t think the lack of a “big picture” necessarily alleviates having to do good deeds. I thought about it, asked myself if I was doing to please a higher power (or anyone, for that matter). I’m not. I do good things because it’s the right thing to do. I do it because I’ve done wrong in the past and would like to learn from my mistakes. I do it because I just should, there’s no reason to justify doing good. I guess that answers my own question. I shouldn’t do this for any other reason besides it being the right thing to do, regardless of who may be paying attention.

The worst feeling is knowing someone is in pain and you have no way to heal that pain.

It was weird going back to 301 Maple the other night. To think I spent almost 9 years there as a child, learning about life, love, and everything in between. I went there last winter after having a bad night, and it made me feel a little better knowing a place of my youth was nearby. I walked down streets that my school bus used to take me, and I walked down a dark, dreary road that I used to run through as a child because I was afraid of monsters lurking in the shadows, waiting for me to run out of breath so they could catch me.

When i returned this time, it wasn’t the same. The place I stared at wasn’t my home. It was just a house. My youth was no longer there, I couldn’t go there and recapture long lost emotions. The house doesn’t harbor anything for me.

I stared, sat in the driveway, and took one last look around maple street. My youth wasn’t there. It still lives in me. I made the trek home, running down the dreary, monster-infested road of my youth. I’ll never let them catch me.

Death may take a few friends but I’m afraid life will take most

It only took three days together to convince me that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I will marry this girl. Maybe not anytime soon, but it will happen.

Not everything boils down to right or wrong. There’s always a shade of gray.

"It's A Fool That Looks For Logic In The Chambers Of The Human Heart"

When I was younger, I didn’t understand rejection. All I knew was that it hurt and that I wanted to hate whoever rejected me. I never understood feelings in general. I just knew what I wanted, who I wanted, and that most of the times I wouldn’t find either. Today I learned a lot about rejection, and trying to rationalize feelings. It’s pointless and impossible.

I got rejected today by the only person I would ever call my “dream girl”. There was nothing about her that didn’t leave me absolutely swooning and yearning for more. She blamed it on circumstances, citing distance and being hung up on someone from her past. Typically, I’d want to shun her and hate her with everything in me, but I learned something today. There’s no logic in your feelings. We as humans are instinctively inclined to do what comes naturally through our emotions, be it love, anger, fear, or happiness. It’s this genetic makeup that makes me want this girl, and it’s the same genetic makeup that makes me want to be over her. I can’t be angry at someone for doing what comes naturally. 

I went back to Lake Michigan tonight and just paced back and forth, telling myself all of the great things about her, and all of the great things about myself. It was nice to feel more hopeful than hopeless. Last time I was at Lake Michigan, I wanted to jump in and sink like a stone. Tonight I wanted to walk on the waves. 

I am going to conquer this world, one rejection at a time.

I’m at this bar and I’m pretty drunk and I keep seeing girls that I’d typically want but honestly I just want one person (in the simplest of the form). Talk about the definition of infatuation.

I approached Lake Michigan today and part of me wanted to jump in and sink to the bottom. I wanted to be done with my petty problems and see what the big picture truly was. As I glanced down though, I caught a glimpse of dog shit all around me. It really turned me off to the idea. I don’t want my last image of earth to be dog feces surrounding me, I at least want it to be halfway poetic, or sudden and painless. 

It’s not that I would actually ever do it. I love the life I lead. I get to see and experience things that most will never have the opportunity to accomplish. I just don’t know what goal I’m working towards, and the idea of a shortcut is appealing. It’s a selfish, cruel thought, and nothing like this has ever crossed my mind, but it made sense. I keep getting sad, having epiphanies that make me feel better, and then get sad again. It’s a vicious cycle and it’s straining on my conscience. I’m a happy person by nature, but what does that achieve? Where am I going? I feel like I’m meant for more and that’s what’s keeping me sane.

Thank God for dog shit. The most beautiful sight in the world.

The universe has a way of evening everything out.

From death, comes life. Flowers grow, fertilized by those beneath.

From sadness, comes happiness. New perspectives bring about new ideas.

The world is a pendulum, swinging back and forth.

I want to be myself, but I don’t trust him.

This will be worth it. I’m unafraid.

The brilliance of it all is that we are perfectly un-perfect.

I am a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I can never come across a good thing.

Only a “too good to be true” thing.

and often times, I’m right.